I once heard someone describe love as a type of insanity. At the moment I am trying to decide if I'm straight jacket nuts, joker from Dark Night crazy, or Girl Interrupted insane.
This process is much like getting prepared for war, perhaps with you and love itself. I believe with the things I have done in my love life I am made to be a soldier for man. I have spent the last four years of my life taking care of boys..turning them into men or putting them on the path to greatness. This may mean that that God has chosen me to do these things or that maybe at the time of those relationships I was meant to push and not be pushed. I have sparked ambitions, opened doors, and written the closing chapters of books dusted off the shelf of life. However, my book remains untouched by man. I guess it is this way because in the past I have tried to erase and write over things in a different color instead of closing a chapter and rereading it. I think that we all have this problem at times. Think about the fact that many of the relationships we are in start and end the same way. It may be because we refuse to recognize the flags of our former mistakes. To often we focus on what the other person did wrong when if you don't plan on being with them..why focus there? The focus is never on ourselves and if it is..it is often positive reinforcement. We get into this mindset that we are either perfect or close to it. For others it may be negative.."what's wrong with me? or why does it never work?" What we fail to realize is that the focus should neither be positive nor negative but reflective.
What I should be have been doing is letting God write my book and reading just to pick up the main points of my steps. Praying to ask for guidance, talking to Him to find out what this phrase means or that. If I had done this then maybe my book would be filled with marks of intelligence that I could use to strengthen my wisdom. The problem that I have now is that I am looking back at things and rereading what I have written. I kinda suck..lol. At least my beginnings. I shall write again starting from this point where I am trusting in Him to send me someone writing a similar book...starting with I guess where it all begins.
One of the definitions of insanity is "such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship." Is it just me or does this define the bulk of getting to know someone? I mean we sit around looking at Facebook or Myspace or any other website that describes who we may want to be with. Don't forget the obvious calling and texting game..do I call..what time is the best to send a text message? Whatever happened to just genuinely being interested in someone? I don't want there to be a title or any expectations but just a general interest in getting to know me. In my mind this would eliminate the chess game of love. If I want to know something, I'll ask you. If I called you yesterday and you haven't called today, that doesn't take away from the fact that I still want to have a conversation with you. I can call just to say what's up. There shouldn't be be a problem with a man or woman simply saying I like you but I'm not really attracted to you in that way.
Insanity indeed...
I would rather just pour my energy into writing my book...with His help. In the future I plan to make mistakes and fix them..keeping in mind that they were mistakes for a reason. At the moment I am checking my phone..waiting on that text message. Not true insanity...just hope. I'm trying not to lose faith in my ability to love. I will start by strengthening my faith in God. I once wrote a random poetic line and sent it to my friends before a conversation with someone I thought loved me....
"I want to throw my heart up out of chest and leave it on the ground..beating until its last thump starts the undertone to the last song played at the funeral for my belief in my ability to love"
After I talked to him I could have taken this and let it become the statement in which drives how I plan to live my life. I cannot because He made me to love for a reason and if I am not allowing myself to be open to heartbreak, how can I ever be open to true love. So maybe he doesn't love me and maybe he never has. But I know who does. That is what keeps me writing...
I'll strap on my straight jack and slowly join the crowd..I'll start with and continue loving me.. and loving Him in me... =)
Peace Reese
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