The Beautiful Struggle..

Sooo I'm waiting..some may say I'm waiting to exhale. I would say that I am just waiting to breathe again. I'm in this situations that requires me to wait on my somewhat significant other and I often find myself trying to figure out why I am doing such a thing. He wants me to have faith...in what exactly? I believe that if I had been able to have faith in other things...for example my family and friends for that matter, maybe it would be easier for me to deal with this situation. Call me an independent women or whatever but I do everything for myself, rarely asking anyone for help. If you know me, you know how hard it is for me to do such a thing so imagine my surprise when I was asked to just be patient. Is it just me or aren't couples supposed to work on things together? When you have problems the key is to talk them out and deal with them. Now I am stuck. Trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to be doing. I have been here, the woman behind the man, even though we are not together. I have been doing everything that I would be doing if we were in a relationship. I know how silly of me. I was just trying to do what I thought was the right thing. However I had an epiphany last night. It was Valentines Day and all I wanted to do was chill with the person I am supposed to be with. Instead, he was doing something else, which was very important to him so I was cool. I had something to do as well so it was cool. What do you do when you have put all that you have into someone just to get nothing in return? I mean would you not get pissed if you put 100 dollars into the bank and went back to get it and they gave you 20 back? Of course you would be pissed. Well here I am....80 dollars short.

The issue I have with the this is that aside from the fact that he is acting brand new right now, he is such a great person. When everything is cool..he does the sweetest things and makes sure that I am taken care of. He has been the person I looked to for the last year whenever I needed something and he has had my back before. Sooo what happened? Who knows...I surely do not. He has mixed up his priorities and now I am supposed to wait until he gets them back in order. I am on a mission right now to be one of the best in whatever it is that I do. I can't and I won't let this get me down. I don't believe it is in God's plan to be sitting at home doing nothing. What I am going to do is focus on getting my future in order. My education, my job, and my relationship with God will grow and strengthen.

A little advice for myself...I am talking to me just in case I EVER even think about being in another relationship.

• Take time to get to know the real you in a relationship.
• Stop putting so much into other people. You deserve to have as much as you give.
  
• Never take anything you know you don't deserve. You don't have to stay in a relationship because you think its the right thing to do. Sometimes you are supposed to leave.
  
• Learn when to let go. It's not your job to hold on to what does not want to be kept. If he does not know how to fight to get you then he does not deserve to be in your presence.
  
• Keep GOD first.Call on him before you call on anybody else. He always has the answers and he will give them to you if you are willing to listen. When it is time for you to fall in love he will let you know. He is the only one who knows. Make sure you have his consent before you pursue ANYTHING. Without his guidance you will be lost.. And being lost is painful.
• Don't let the past dictate your future. Just because someone has not realised who you are does not mean you don't know. If you carry the hurt from your past relationships into the future you will never truly be happy.
  
• And last but not least...Know that you are a beautiful, strong, courageous, black women who God has put on this earth to do his work and fulfill what he wants you to do. Never let anybody make you fell inadequate or less than that. Always know that you are not perfect and making mistakes is how you learn but the fact that you learn from them is the most important thing.
  

When I have truly learned how to deal with things like this I will be that much greater. Unfortunately I have shut off the "give" valve on my heart. I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry to say this but I really don't want to do this again. Ever. I'm sick and tired of not being treated like I am worth someone giving a damn. I hope in this race to the top I don't miss out on God sending me my husband because I won't give anyone a chance. I will pray patience with myself and with my situation. Until then, on the grind I will be and on the grind I will stay.


Peace Reese